About Me

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Delta, British Columbia, Canada
I took very early retirement from teaching in '06 and did some traveling in Europe and the UK before settling down to do some private tutoring. As a voracious reader, I have many books waiting in line for me to read. Tell me I shouldn't read something, and I will. I'm a happy, optimistic person and I love to travel and through that believe that life can be a continuous learning experience. I'm looking forward to traveling more some day. I enjoy walking, cycling, water aerobics & and sports like tennis, volleyball, and fastpitch/baseball. I'm just getting into photography as a hobby and I'm enjoying learning all the bits and bobs of my digital camera. My family is everything to me and I'm delighted to be the mother of two girls and the Gramma of a boy and a girl. I may be a Gramma, but I'm at heart just a girl who wants to have fun.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Beyond the Bloom

My sweetie and I have now moved beyond the first stage of love to the stage where we can say "You stink!"
No, seriously!
This morning, when L climbed into bed after a long and cold graveyard shift, he said, "What did you have for dinner last night?"
Cuddling up provocatively and snuggling closer, I responded, "The leftover vegies you made the other night with a bit of rice."
"Well," he said, "you stink of garlic!"
He then went off to sleep, with me feeling very offended, until suddenly I recoiled against something that struck my nasal passages!
He farted!
And farted again and again!
Pillow pressed against my nose as I staggered out of the room, I decided to do some research into farts. Why is it that women seem to be able to hold their farts in until they’re in the bathroom or alone but men take such excessive pride in their ability to not only create a thunderous noise but also a noxious odour?

Here are some interesting and hilarious facts about farts:
1. The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and other gases that contain sulphur and nitrogen. Foods such as cauliflower, meat, and eggs are notorious for creating smelly farts, but bean farts actually don’t smell. (Yeah? I doubt that as I’ve already been warned about not ever serving him beans!)
2. Fart noise is not generated by the flapping of the butt cheeks, but by vibrations of the anal opening.
3. On average, a person produces about half a litre of fart gas a day, in about 14 farts. Try recording how often and how bad your farts smell.
4. The smell of a fart takes about 13 to 20 seconds to travel to one’s nose. Smaller, enclosed areas (like a bed!) limits the amount of dilution of the smell (it eventually condenses as green slime on the walls) so appears to be stronger than outside on a windy day. How many of you women have had the lovely experience of having your head shoved under the blankets by your mate as they howl with laughter while you’re actually gagging and struggling not to throw up?
5. A gentleman is likely to fart the most first thing in the morning while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder" and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the house.
6. Women fart just as much as men, but men take more pride in it. And the smell can be just as bad for either sex.
7. Emperor Claudius legalized farting at banquets because there was widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or could catch a disease by holding in farts. However, it won’t hurt you unless it backs up so much you get a stomachache. How many of you ladies can remember holding it all in until your date leaves, only to expel it loudly with profound relief?
8. It is possible to ignite farts! Why? Because they contain hydrogen and methane, both flammable gases. Farts burn with a blue or yellow flame, but it is highly dangerous to attempt to ignite them. The flame could back up into your colon or your clothes could catch on fire.
10 ways to cover up a fart:
1. Wear "Fartypants" underwear, specially designed to absorb the odour.
2. Blame the dog or cat.
3. Complain about the local pulp and paper mill or the sod farm that uses chicken manure.
4. Act oblivious.
5. Glance quickly at the person standing beside you.
6. Cough loudly.
7. Move your chair so it makes a sound on the floor.
8. In a public toilet, use the "buff muff" strategy, which is to use a handful of loose toilet paper and hold it to your butt hole so it muffles the sound.
9. Proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment.
10.Issue a challenge to others to outdo your fart.
I was trying to find a good cartoon to go with this post, but I couldn't decide which one to use. Just google "cartoons about farting" and you will absolutely die laughing.

15 comments:

Country Girl said...

I enjoy a good fart. Especially if I am alone. I do not enjoy it when others are present. Unless the dog is here and I can blame it on him.
Am heading off to google the aforementioned items.

Cath said...

This is very informative! I have never heard of a "butt muff" before but I could add - blame the children!

I constantly remind my husband that for 6 months he courted me and would spend a whole day in my house before going home and not once did he fart!! It doesn't change anything though...

Great post.

RiverPoet said...

Oh Leslie - That is hilarious!!! Look at the lovely things a new relationship brings!

Peace (and quiet) - D

peppylady said...

S.B.D Slight But Deadly one can real get to you.

Coffee is on.

nancygrayce said...

My, my you two are growing comfy with one another! So when will we see some pictures of you and the honey?

Claudia said...

Hee, hee! That is one good thing about living alone. My late husband used to get a kick out of farting in bed and then holding my head under the covers! Funny to him!

Maggie May said...

This was a funny thing to read first thing in the morning! Fortunately I'd just come out of the bathroom or all that laughing.... well!
Early mornings for husband's farts? ...... Yes. That seems to be a danger time!

Lilli & Nevada said...

I am still rolling with laughter, isn't it funny how men when there dating you they can control but once they have you they find it hilarious to fart whenever and wherever they please

antigoni said...

Ha!Ha!Ha! Very funny post, Leslie.
You must learn to live with your man's habites. The smell of garlic will pass if you eat some parsley. But the smell of a fart will kill you! LOL!

mrsnesbitt said...

priceless!

photowannabe said...

I was sitting here reading this and laughing out loud when my husband came in the room. Somehow he didn't think it was as funny as me. He's a champion "tooter".

Liz said...

A green slime on the wall?!!!!

The Slimming World diet gives me the most appalling wind!!

Ruth D~ said...

Ahhh . . . the honeymoon is over, I see.

Brit' Gal Sarah said...

LMAO! Oh how true this is that the relationship has moved to the next step when farting is unleashed! Some very interesting facts here!

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