Lately, I've been feeling like quitting - quitting blogging, quitting tutoring, quitting my home and my family and even my country. I find myself dreaming of moving to England and living as an ex-pat where I will find my true ancestral roots.
But then - I wake up. I tell myself, "This too shall pass" as it always does. This has been, I believe, our "annus horribilus" as Queen Elizabeth referred to 1992 in her speech at Guildhall to mark the 40th anniversary of her accession.
"1992 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure.
In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned
out to be an 'Annus Horribilis'."
When we returned from England late last September, we were full of high hopes of planning our wedding and setting forth on a future together. And then everything had to stop because of Lorne's illness. Then we put everything off because my daughter set the date for her wedding and that took priority over us. Then Lorne had to have pre-op chemo starting in May with the op scheduled for August. Wedding preparations took over for me while he was struggling with serious side effects from the drugs. We received a call from his surgeon's office giving us the date of his surgery - 4 days before daughter's wedding! No way was he going to be able to attend!
So between August 13th and August 18th I was driving back and forth to the hospital and trying to pay attention to final details for the wedding. The wedding day was exhausting and I fell, unknowingly breaking the inside of my right ankle. But I carried on because Lorne was coming home. Two days after he got home, he turned yellow...back to the hospital for another week. Six weeks after his surgery, Lorne had to start the final chemo treatments. They have been brutal this time and to top it off, I fell again, breaking the outside bone of the same ankle.
So here we are. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I get so frustrated about my ankle healing properly and fast so I can tend to Lorne. Poor thing - his hair has fallen out in big chunks this time, he can't eat, he has terrible mouth sores so he has to drink through a straw, and he's as weak as a kitten.
I hate asking friends to help us out, but I've had to since I can't drive due to my ankle and he's so weak , he can hardly stand up. At this moment, he's in the local emergency hooked up to IVs to control his nausea and his diabetes that's temporarily out of control because of his inability to eat or take in fluids. He's also on morphine because of the pain in his stomach. I have a splitting headache, but who am I to complain?
Sorry for being such a downer this week, but I guess when you reach breaking point you just have to crawl under the covers and cry for a while. Next week, I won't feel like quitting! I always seem to be able to bounce back.
In the meantime, remember our queen Denise who created ABC Wednesday and our highly qualified Roger who administers the site.
So between August 13th and August 18th I was driving back and forth to the hospital and trying to pay attention to final details for the wedding. The wedding day was exhausting and I fell, unknowingly breaking the inside of my right ankle. But I carried on because Lorne was coming home. Two days after he got home, he turned yellow...back to the hospital for another week. Six weeks after his surgery, Lorne had to start the final chemo treatments. They have been brutal this time and to top it off, I fell again, breaking the outside bone of the same ankle.
So here we are. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I get so frustrated about my ankle healing properly and fast so I can tend to Lorne. Poor thing - his hair has fallen out in big chunks this time, he can't eat, he has terrible mouth sores so he has to drink through a straw, and he's as weak as a kitten.
I hate asking friends to help us out, but I've had to since I can't drive due to my ankle and he's so weak , he can hardly stand up. At this moment, he's in the local emergency hooked up to IVs to control his nausea and his diabetes that's temporarily out of control because of his inability to eat or take in fluids. He's also on morphine because of the pain in his stomach. I have a splitting headache, but who am I to complain?
Sorry for being such a downer this week, but I guess when you reach breaking point you just have to crawl under the covers and cry for a while. Next week, I won't feel like quitting! I always seem to be able to bounce back.
In the meantime, remember our queen Denise who created ABC Wednesday and our highly qualified Roger who administers the site.
31 comments:
What an awful set of circumstances, Leslie. I hope things begin to pick up soon and that Lorne regains his health and strength. Try to stay positive, not easy with the challenges you've faced
When I was living with Mom and taking care of her, I often felt like quitting. It was hard to ask for help, but when I did, things went much better. Don't be afraid to ask. I found family and friends were often glad to be asked. - Margy
Well, it HAS been a tough stretch for you. Maybe you need some assistance - going it alone can wear on you, especially with your own difficulties.
Hello Leslie,, You cannot do everything on your own .. Your Friends would be hurt if you did not ask them that is why they are your friends ,, and they would help all they can ,,
Have a cry , curl up and rest ,, you need your strength to , I do hope that you do this ,and please try and stay postivie ,as one comment said , as soon as you ask for help , things will be alittle bit better .. Hugs to you both xx
Interesting story! nice topic for letter "Q".
thanks.
Leslie, I am so sorry to be reading this. I had hoped after the wedding that things would pick up. I wish there was something I could do or say. Here, though, is a link that always makes me smile:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzNMtGx_cZc
Hope it brings at least a smile to you and Lorne.
Dear Leslie! You are such a brave and caring woman. I am sure that Lorne is very fortunate to have you around. Don't quit! I shall think of you in my prayers. You are a strong woman who needs help and attention from her friends.
Wil
Oh Leslie BIG hugs from over the pond. Whilst I feel helpless thank goodness for the internet and the bridge it allows to reach over from country to country and offer support to those we love. Hang in there honey xxxxxx
Oh Leslie, I am so sorry you have had such a dreadful year and I do wish the best for both you and Lorne. I think you will find that if you accept your friends' help it will not only ease your physical jobs but will also give you the support you need to boost you up into the sunshine again.
I'm so sorry about all you're going through. You remain in my thoughts.
This post makes my heart ache for you and Lorne.
I promise to keep you in my prayers.
Please let your friends help. Its good for you and good for your friends too.
(((hugs)))
Sue
Oh dear! You are going through a bad time. Hope everything will resolve itself and you and Lorne bounce back to health quite soon!
After all you've been through -- and are still going through -- you have every right to feel like quitting! I am sure there are plenty of others who have felt the same way at some point in their lives. This is a very low spot for you and it doesn't hurt to let off steam. But the only way out is up. I hope you are telling the Lord how you feel. I don't need to tell you that He knows and understands and cares! It WILL get better. Don't want to preach because you don't need it, but I am praying for you and Lorne and maybe by this time next year it will all look so different. Praying for strength, grace and patience as well as some relief for you. Love and hugs.
Never quit thinking about quitting but quit thinking you shouldn't accept all the help that is offered.
Such a rotten time you are having, these things wear you down. I wish you resilience and good friends to take the strain. Hugs from over the water.
Find a way out of time is always important.
Crying can be good. My father died January, I split from the husband April and in May I had to be ripped away from the sons (the biological and the fur kid) as I went back to my job overseas. It was a huge adjustment to come home alone to an empty apartment. I've been living like this since 2005. So I tried crying once. It seemed a big load was lifted somehow. I hope things get better for you and Lorne quickly. Hugs!
Hazel
Oh, Leslie, I'm so sorry things have been so rough! I pray both you and Lorne heal quickly and life levels out soon!!!
Take care. Sending good thoughts your way.
Do not quit. Every bad phase is followed by a good one. Take care.
What a tough patch this is for you Leslie.. But it's just a patch and as you so rightly said - this too shall pass. Meanwhile hang in there.. Use all the help you can get and keep up the spirits. Warm hugs to a very brave woman.
I am so sorry you have had such hard months. This all should pass!!
Yes, this too SHALL pass! One day at a time, Leslie does it:) BTW you don't have to feel guilty about asking your friends for help. Wouldn't you do the same for them, if they were in your position? Hard to see our loved ones so sick, and that's why we ...can't quit:)
I hope things get better for you soon.
Leslie I do feel for you, you know I know exactly what you are going through, having to look after my hubby and with a disabled leg its not good at all, all I keep thinking is that life cannot get any worse. Keep smiling and looking forward to Lorne getting home it only around the next corner. Sending you lots of love and a massive big hug. XXXXX
Leslie, I'm so glad you shared with us all how you are feeling. Keeping it inside isn't good for you or Lorne. You are as of right now on my prayer list. Looking forward for you to feel better soon!!!
Ann
Oh, Leslie, please let me know if there is anything I can do. I am so, so, so, sorry.
I hope you don't 'quit' dear Leslie, just try and get some rest whilst Lorne is in the best place to correct his treatment... Tomorrow is another day, you just snuggle up with the lovely dawgie Tegan and rest awhile...love di..xx
You have my sympathies, my bloggy friend. I'm sure things will work out for the best.
Leslie, As you say, this too shall pass.. and until then, you should lean on those who are there around to help- friends, family.. Gerald put it very well..
I don't use the word quit as a teacher. when I was in high school, my American teacher told us, when she first came to "British Borneo" at the end of the exams, she told the kids to quit writing, the kids were still writing, she said "quit writing." they still wrote. later she found out the students heard that she was saying "Quick writing." so she then said stop writing. So I say stop writing.
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