About Me

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Delta, British Columbia, Canada
I took very early retirement from teaching in '06 and did some traveling in Europe and the UK before settling down to do some private tutoring. As a voracious reader, I have many books waiting in line for me to read. Tell me I shouldn't read something, and I will. I'm a happy, optimistic person and I love to travel and through that believe that life can be a continuous learning experience. I'm looking forward to traveling more some day. I enjoy walking, cycling, water aerobics & and sports like tennis, volleyball, and fastpitch/baseball. I'm just getting into photography as a hobby and I'm enjoying learning all the bits and bobs of my digital camera. My family is everything to me and I'm delighted to be the mother of two girls and the Gramma of a boy and a girl. I may be a Gramma, but I'm at heart just a girl who wants to have fun.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Women and Public Toilets

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR !) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.
Of course, there's always the following option.


Maggie May said...

I am in need of a toilet right now because that post has made me laugh so much!
I think we have ALL been there! (Women that is!)
I think there are a few differences between out countries' toilet set ups.
There are NO toilet seat covers here (though you can buy them from obscure places like medical catalogues.)
There are NO automatic flush toilets (that I know of)

Some tips that I have found to be useful......
Before going in, check to see what state the seat of the toilet & floor of the cubical is like and if there is plenty of paper.
Always take tissues with you & put in pocket before going in the loo.
Don't do the stance if you have arthritis or back problems or when you haven't got complete control........ I once found I had weed all over my trousers and had to walk out of a very busy place with a huge wet patch down my trousers.
The stance gets harder as you get older so it is better to put toilet paper on the seat! So that is why it is essential to go armed with the stuff.
I have been in long queues to get into a woman's toilet and suddenly younger women just go into the gents! I once did this by accident!!!!!!! Didn't know where to put my eyes! There was no one there when I went in but rows of men piddling when I came out!
I think I have written a post....sorry!

jinksy said...

Love this take on toilet humour :)

Trubes said...

So funny Leslie and so true, made me laugh.
I always carry plenty of tissues in my handbag and a small pack of wet wipes....
You can imagine, I do carry a large handbag!


Shrinky said...

Oh, so witty and sharply true! Not one woman reading this would deny it's accuracy. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.

Jo said...

Hysterical...! :-)

Oh, goodness, you know how I feel about public toilets. If I have to use one, I have a shower the moment I get home.


Jo said...

I have no idea how that posted from an old blog of mine...

Yogi♪♪♪ said...

I learned something!

nancygrayce said...

Oh, I face that situation often as I have to "go" as soon as I get in any store. I despise all the automatic stuff, it either doesn't work at all or works only when it wants to. :)

Ackworth born said...

O that's hilarious I'm ROTFL - well I would be if I thought I could get up again!

jay said...

HAhahahaha! So, so true! You know, they've just started selling little mini 'travel pack' toilet rolls in the supermarkets over here. About time, don't ya think?

And I nearly always have a pack of wet wipes with me. Yep, I think this may be partly why women have such large handbags ...

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Brilliant! Oh, I so identify with this post and love the cartoon! I'll be laughing all night, Leslie and that will make me want to....

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